The Gilt Haven Times

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A Comprehensive Guide to Moving

Though it is a universal experience, moving out of the temple you were raised in can be a daunting experience. However, the staff here at the Gilt Haven Times have compiled a list of objectives to keep in mind that will assist you in this endeavor.

1. Donโ€™t forget that this is a fresh start for you:

We suggest you set all of your belongings ablaze in the center of the room you are vacating. Do not keep or leave any remnants of your previous identity; a clean slate is a must! As attached as you may be to the skeletons in your closet, you can always attain new skeletons of a higher quality. The world is full of potential skeletons. Gaze intensely into the flames as your possesions ignite, and know that any regret that fills your heart is a temporary and useless thing.

2. A suitable living place is one that is mostly unoccupied:

As we all know, the most competitive housing market is for caves. Despite the difficulties this raises, it is imperative you find a cave as vacant of life as possible.

If you are among those with a more refined taste, the Gilt Haven Burial Grounds offers an unparalleled selection of mausoleum complexes.

Both caves and man-made tombs have lovely acoustics and the echoes provide you the ability to rap battle yourself.

3. Comfortable sleeping quarters are essential for quality rest; self care 2020:

We recommend that you acquire either a sensory deprivation chamber, or a coffin. You may wonder why this is necessary, probably because you have spent your formative years sleeping on the floor. Always remember (although the memory of your exile is painful to visit) you have been cast out from the temple and are free from the old restrictions of temple-life.

4. Be prepared for the painful realities of living on your own

Existing on Earth comes at a cost. All of us will hurt, all of us will feel emotional and physical pain as we proceed through life.

The essentials of every first aid kit are as follows:

Arsenic: if you suffer from the most common ailment, a broken heart, this is the most effective cure. Kill your former lover by spiking their drink with, like, a lot of arsenic. This is the only way to ensure your own continued peaceful existence. Get them before they get you.

Alcohol: Also an effective cure for heartbreak if you follow the recommended prescription: A lot, very often, to excess, black out for a year of your life, rob a vinyard, get caught, sober up in jail, contemplate our broken justice system, break out, break back in to grab a sovenier, break out again, pick up where you left off.

Cacti: Ease the loneliness of existence by keeping a few spiky companions. Sing 80โ€™s pop songs to these, your only friends. I think we're alone now...

5. Personalisation will make you feel right at home

An accessory that took Gilt Haven by storm as one of 1788โ€™s most chic accoutrements, shrunken heads have been trending ever since the 80s. They are both a conventional conversation piece and prominent member of every traditional Gilt Haven household.

A Final Note:

This list is created with the needs of Gilt Haveners in mind, but for the interlopers who are considering Gilt Haven as a permanent destination, the Times has these cheering words of advice and encouragement:

If you are evading the law, vengeful deities, or your extended family, Gilt Haven is the place for you; however, do not entertain ideas of departing from Gilt Haven once you settle here. Your presence here is a commitment, one that you need not be living in order to fufill. Straying will not bode well for you, as evidenced by numerous escape attempts made by previous newcomers.


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Reviews: Plays

Omlet: This is the haunting tale of an egg tormented by the ghost of his father, the late King of Henmark. It is a stark portrayal of the animalistic nature inside us all, as well as how procrastination does have some consequences, maybe.

Rating: ๐Ÿ˜œ

Big Mac: Ronald McDonald is locked in a gruesome power struggle with Dunkinโ€™. This play tackles the slaughter of livestock, the fall of empires, live action muder, and the hotly contraversial subject of climate change. It is rated G for general audiences. It is only showing for a limited time due to a limited number of people available to be sacrificed. The commitment of actual murders during the course of the play is imperative; the Gilt Haven Theatrical Society demands strict adherence to script in the name of professionalism. Rating: ๐Ÿ‰

Tyrannosaurus Rex: Negatives: The story of how dinosaurs actually went extinct: inbreeding caused genetically unhealthy offspring. Positives: dinosaurous road rage. A tedious reminder of why this theatre critic prefers T.V.

Rating: ๐ŸŽ 


A Comprehensive Guide to Moving

Though it is a universal experience, moving out of the temple you were raised in can be a daunting experience. However, the staff here at the Gilt Haven Times have compiled a list of objectives to keep in mind that will assist you in this endeavor.

1. Donโ€™t forget that this is a fresh start for you:

We suggest you set all of your belongings ablaze in the center of the room you are vacating. Do not keep or leave any remnants of your previous identity; a clean slate is a must! As attached as you may be to the skeletons in your closet, you can always attain new skeletons of a higher quality. The world is full of potential skeletons. Gaze intensely into the flames as your possesions ignite, and know that any regret that fills your heart is a temporary and useless thing.

2. A suitable living place is one that is mostly unoccupied:

As we all know, the most competitive housing market is for caves. Despite the difficulties this raises, it is imperative you find a cave as vacant of life as possible.

If you are among those with a more refined taste, the Gilt Haven Burial Grounds offers an unparalleled selection of mausoleum complexes.

Both caves and man-made tombs have lovely acoustics and the echoes provide you the ability to rap battle yourself.

3. Comfortable sleeping quarters are essential for quality rest; self care 2020:

We recommend that you acquire either a sensory deprivation chamber, or a coffin. You may wonder why this is necessary, probably because you have spent your formative years sleeping on the floor. Always remember (although the memory of your exile is painful to visit) you have been cast out from the temple and are free from the old restrictions of temple-life.

4. Be prepared for the painful realities of living on your own

Existing on Earth comes at a cost. All of us will hurt, all of us will feel emotional and physical pain as we proceed through life.

The essentials of every first aid kit are as follows:

Arsenic: if you suffer from the most common ailment, a broken heart, this is the most effective cure. Kill your former lover by spiking their drink with, like, a lot of arsenic. This is the only way to ensure your own continued peaceful existence. Get them before they get you.

Alcohol: Also an effective cure for heartbreak if you follow the recommended prescription: A lot, very often, to excess, black out for a year of your life, rob a vinyard, get caught, sober up in jail, contemplate our broken justice system, break out, break back in to grab a sovenier, break out again, pick up where you left off.

Cacti: Ease the loneliness of existence by keeping a few spiky companions. Sing 80โ€™s pop songs to these, your only friends. I think we're alone now...

5. Personalisation will make you feel right at home

An accessory that took Gilt Haven by storm as one of 1788โ€™s most chic accoutrements, shrunken heads have been trending ever since the 80s. They are both a conventional conversation piece and prominent member of every traditional Gilt Haven household.

A Final Note:

This list is created with the needs of Gilt Haveners in mind, but for the interlopers who are considering Gilt Haven as a permanent destination, the Times has these cheering words of advice and encouragement:

If you are evading the law, vengeful deities, or your extended family, Gilt Haven is the place for you; however, do not entertain ideas of departing from Gilt Haven once you settle here. Your presence here is a commitment, one that you need not be living in order to fufill. Straying will not bode well for you, as evidenced by numerous escape attempts made by previous newcomers.


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